The Countdown Begins...

About a week or two ago, panic began to set in. Now, let me be clear. My version of panic does not include flailing, hyperventilation, or loud noises. I think of myself as a turtle when I am panicking. I sense the heaviness of the unknown, I crawl into my shell and become completely shut out to the rest of the logical world. I can't complete thoughts or sentences (and I mean really can't, worse than my usual scatterbrained nonsense), I can't remember what I said ten minutes ago. I really am not a joy to interact with (sorry, friends...). It's a defense mechanism. It shields me from listening to my irrational anxieties, but also from listening to the truth. And that is precisely what I am going on this delegation for!

As I keep reminding myself of this, slowly the panic begins to melt away. Like a ripening fruit turning starch into sugar, I am becoming prepared. Packing my suitcase today was ripening myself for the journey. I have spent the past few months telling people about my summer plans. I always tailor my answer to the questioner. Certain words might leave the inquisitor feeling offended or confused, neither emotion is one I feel like coaxing away in casual small-talk with an acquaintance. What I ended up telling people most is that I am going to Palestine to listen. This felt the most honest and true. It also feels like the only thing I can say with certainty. I will listen and I will document. I am basically all packed for my journey in 6 days. I am equipped to listen well and share well. This I know to be true!